Ghost hunters
I mentioned before that my friend was over here last weekend. He’s one of very few people I know who actually gets me, he is actually more insane than I am, and we have a few demons in common which makes him so easy to talk to. He’s also a rather brilliant historian and a devastatingly well-read intellectual with a love of Wagner, so he really appreciated all the cultural and historical delights of Prague. I felt more relaxed with him than I have in weeks.
You know how it is when you’re with your friends, you start talking about relationships, what you expect from them, what’s good, what’s not so good, and what kind of situations you tend to find yourself in.
I have been in two full-blown, long-term relationships. The first was a disaster. The second appears to be going very well.
Now, suddenly, despite computer wiping, memento destroying and photograph massacring, boyfriend number one appears to be haunting me. Whilst I was talking with my friend about him and the two grand he owes me, I received a text from another friend asking for his number - a friend who hasn’t been in touch for over a month. Apparenly a mutual friend needs her piano tuning and needs his number. I hope when she sees him he will be furnished with the full details of just how amazing I am now he’s out of my life.
Except he’s not out of my life is he? For starters he owes me two grand. Secondly he lives minutes away from me. Thirdly we have too many people in common. Fourthly he ruined almost two years of my life.
I’ve been emailing him all summer to try and find out what’s happening, when I will get my cash back, what he’s going to do with the piano he forced me into buying and then promised to restore - two years ago. He’s not been back in touch.
And now, randomly I facebook searched him, and there his was, smiling quizically up at me in that rather rat-like way he always did, challenging me to message him.
Now, bearing in mind that all other attempts to contact him have failed, it would be more difficult for him to run away from a facebook message than to pretend his mobile number no longer works, or to deacivate his email address - as he has done. And I don’t want to ring him, even though I know his parents’ number and I think he still lives there. I get extremely upset when I’m angry, and I have better people to spend money phoning. I’m scared of what I’ll say. I also don’t want him to think I’ve been looking him up on facebook, because he’ll think I’m turning into psycho ex, or that I’m still bothered about him. (I suppose I am still bothered in that it would be nice not to have to go into more debt than is necessary next year. But I think I would rather cut off my legs and beg from a dirty skateboard in the streets of Manchester than ever go back to him.)
However, if I message him on facebook, he will be able to see my profile including what I’ve been up to recently, what I’m up to now, the banter I’m having with my friends, the name of my boyfriend, photos of us together, etc etc. I want him to know I have my own life and of course I’m hoping he’ll be angry and jealous that I have a boyfriend who makes him look like a stupid little boy. But this boy can’t see past the end of his own nose and can’t understand just what makes people better than himself. I don’t want him to see any of that. My life is nothing to do with him now. I just want to meet him in Kro one day, have a coffee, let him know what a favour he did by getting out of my life, and then go home with a nice big wad of cash - I wouldn’t trust a cheque from him. It sickens me to think how I let this slippery, non-committal, self-indulgent, self-hating little boy take over my life and feed off my insecurities.
So, what do I do?
*****UPDATE: after a careful bit of googling, I realised that I might not be able to email him directly, but I can email one of the companies he freelances for. Ooooooooh the temptation…*****
Hmmm. Tough one. Facebook isn’t the best place to thrash such things out but then you’ve tried all the other options. Maybe it’s worth a go.
You could always make sure your ‘limited profile’ and only allow him to see that. That way he can’t see the stuff you don’t want him to…?
Comment by concertmaster — August 22, 2007 @ 2:52 pm
I think you have two choices:
Make sure he can only see your limited profile, or contact him on facebook through another profile (either a friend’s, one that’s been set up by a friend as a dummy account, or create one yourself).
And, no; £2k is not something to be shrugged off.
Comment by Rosy — August 22, 2007 @ 4:41 pm
Rather pathetically I have no sound advice to offer. Wish I could think of a way to get your cash back tho! You could indulge a little fantasy about how fantastic your life is now (well, it is) and that he is shrivelling into pathetic nothingness. But you do have better things to fantasise about now don’t you? ;)
I understand the frustration, and you’re emotions are touchy on the matter because the slimy sh1te obviously hurt you. Sh1te that he is.
Comment by Lis of the North — August 22, 2007 @ 6:34 pm
Could you set up another ID on facebook with a hotmail account so he only gets to see that one?
Just a thought??
Comment by Jo Beaufoix — August 22, 2007 @ 9:15 pm
I totally get where you are coming from with this one. Not wanting to give someone like that the time of day, let alone the idea they’ve had any kind of lasting effect on you, but needing something from them like you do, is a horrible position to be in. But the most important thing to remember is that you actually don’t give a tup’ny toss what he thinks. You need and deserve that money back and he needs to give it to you. If you don’t want to pursue the Facebook idea (although I would be sorely tempted to use any means necessary (inc. hiring the “heavies” to persuade him!)) why not see if your mutual friend could help? If nothing else works, tell me where he is, and I’ll go and drop a really heavy library book on his toes.
Comment by Jane — August 22, 2007 @ 11:47 pm
Rosy, Concertmaster and Jo, since I phoned him last night to make sure his mobile isn’t working - it was the O2 woman instead of his whiney little voice - I think your idea of a dummy account is the only alternative to phoning his parents!
Lis, thanks! I am indulging every fantasy I own at the moment, including many not particularly healthy ones. Slimey sh1te is right.
Jane, mutual friend is nice but I’m not close enough to him to ask him to do something like this. Maybe the hardback, large print version of the complete Samuel Pepys is in order?
Comment by missdespina — August 23, 2007 @ 1:13 pm
Oh dear!
What a situation to be in… But hopefully everything will be sorted out soon! And don’t let the thought of it spoil your time in Prague! :-)
BTW, I didn’t know you had a Facebook account! I created one recently - I can add you as a friend if you want. Search my name and you will find my profile.
Oh, the latest news from COMO is that Carl resigned… What a shame!
But things will go on and apparently there are lots of performances coming soon, including a fully staged Opera in 2011!!
Take care
Viv xxx
Comment by Viv — August 23, 2007 @ 3:25 pm
One small note of (I’m sure, unnecessary) caution: if the relationship really was that bad and there are serious unhealthy things going on with this guy, you may want to consider at what point your mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical health is more important than the money.
If you come to believe that he is using the debt as a way of keeping you on a leash, you’ll probably be better off (as well as stronger and healthier) for saying, “Futue te!” and moving on.
Comment by John — August 23, 2007 @ 4:23 pm
Miss D.
You have an award.
Come over later and get your bloggy bling.
Comment by Jo Beaufoix — August 23, 2007 @ 5:26 pm
What about taking him (or threatening to take him)to the small claims court? Perhaps the Citizens’ Advice Bureau could advise…
Comment by Stratfordgirl — August 23, 2007 @ 7:03 pm
Viv - I’m on the committee up at COMO. Yes, I’m upset Carl won’t be conducting us anymore, but at least we have some concrete dates for performances now! I’ll add you on facebook, maybe we will stay in touch properly then!
John - I accused him of trying to “keep me on a leash” and he said he wasn’t doing - you are perfectly correct of course. It was all about control with him. I wish I was bigger than my financial worries, but, I’m a 22 year old student. Nuff said!
Jo - you’re a poppet! As soon as I can display the bling properly, it’s getting pride of place!
SG - I have thought about it. I’m hoping I can appeal to his better nature rather than have to produce old bank statements etc…
Comment by missdespina — August 23, 2007 @ 8:04 pm
Have you tried getting your money back by embarrassment? Get his folks involved. Tell them really nicely to pass on the message :-) I will be SO tempted by the facebook thing but things like that can really backfire and make you look really bad. I also understand what you mean about wanting him to see how great your life is, as they say the best revenge is to be happy. If you didn’t have to get your money back, I would say you shouldn’t even waste a thought on him but 2k is 2k!!
Comment by sugar007 — August 23, 2007 @ 8:51 pm
Hi!
Oh yes, I remember you are on the committee… I just wasn’t sure you are still involved while you are away.
Take care xx
Comment by Viv — August 24, 2007 @ 9:59 am
Despinushka, you ARE bigger than your financial worries! True, money is money, and what he owes you is both rightfully yours and would make other things possible, but please remember: the things that are true and deep and special about you and your life (your musical talent, your sense of style, the special bond between you and your friends, that handsome Englishman, your dazzling smile, etc) don’t cost a thing and wouldn’t change if you lost everything.
Courage!
Comment by John — August 24, 2007 @ 1:50 pm
- Sugar, I like this idea! I always got on well with his dad and his sister, maybe I’ll do just that!
- Viv, I’m just sticking my nose in and emailing lots. I really enjoy it actually!
- John, what lovely words. Thanks for the compliment too. I’m not obsessing over the cash. And yes, the best things in my life didn’t cost me anything but are invaluable because of that. I love your eloquence. Can I be cheeky and ask how you found my blog, by the way?
Comment by missdespina — August 26, 2007 @ 12:30 pm
Tell you what, when I win the lottery you can have two grand on me and that way you can forget all about it :-)
Comment by thetallone — August 26, 2007 @ 5:40 pm
A couple of years ago, I started reading a blog, which contained a link to Jez’s blog, which led me to yours.
And if you don’t mind my pontificating, I don’t mind you being cheeky!
Comment by John — August 27, 2007 @ 3:55 pm
Ah, coolio! Poor Jezblog, I think it needs reviving!
Comment by missdespina — August 28, 2007 @ 11:02 am