The adventures of Miss Despina

I have a new job. A modelling job. For an art class…

Don’t ask me why, I just thought it sounded fun!

Made a real breakthrough with my counsellor today. She says she’s learnt something today. I think she finds me interesting

We were talking about the negative voice that says things to me like "why can’t you make decisions?", "why are you so lazy?", "you are such a bad person", "you are such a shit friend", "you are so fake", "you are ugly". We were trying to identify the voice. And I realised. It’s not a thing, it’s not a person, my mum or dad, a teacher, an ex-lover or a priest. It’s me when I’m at my best, it’s who I wish I could be all the time. But why should Good Day Me berate Bad Day Me for feeling bad? That will only make BDM feel worse, which gets me into a destructive mental loop. GDM should encourage rather than berate BDM.

Down one side of the page we wrote a list of what BDM says to me. Then we wrote answers on the other side, from GDM’s point of view. (Some of the questions were too hard, I left them til next week.)

"Why are you so lazy?" - "Actually I’m doing a lot at the moment. I need to relax."

"Why can’t you make decisions?" - "Decisions are hard. Sometimes it’s ok not to know."

"You are ugly" - "You have a nice figure, nice skin and a lovely smile."

I said "that’s how I feel when I go out singing. I put on a brilliant dress and get myself ready and think - yes, I can face anything today."

"So when you sing, you feel assertive?"

"I feel brilliant. I wish I could feel like that all the time."

A long pause. 

"So what would singing Despina say to some of things that your negative voice says to yourself." 

Then I realised. Singing Despina is Good Day Me. Singing Despina is confident and positive and proactive and creative and nice. She can do things. She can do things that, as my friend K says, no-one else in the room can do. She can be proud of herself.

I don’t know whether it’s to do with adrenaline, or confidence, or just that magic magic feeling I can’t describe when I’ve just created a beautiful sound, a work of art, my state of wonder and serenity. But if only this could last.

And why shouldn’t it? 

How cool is this?

Thanks my dear! 

Hello!

If anyone heard the daily service earlier on Radio 4, you might be interested to know that it was my choir singing. It was a lovely morning - in the church at 8.15 for tea, coffee and lemsip, then rehearsals til 9, then a run-through, then the service itself. We all felt very peaceful and uplifted afterwards, so we went across to Café Rouge and had brunch. As the only non-music student in the choir, I was finding it hard to get to know people at first, but everyone there is actually really friendly. Here’s a link that will eventually get you to Monday’s daily service, if you go down to the Ds and select it, but it’s not really that important. (I hasten to tell anyone who listens that I didn’t do any of the soli.)

Yesterday I was 45 minutes late to a rehearsal for Into The Woods. I walked in just as my first song was due to begin. "How are you for a top B flat Despi?" he asked. "Not a problem!" I said, and then realised that hardly anyone there knows me, and probably thinks I meant to sound like a complete arse! But the show is going well, the cast are lovely and my role is small but so pretty and complex that I should be able to craft it to perfection… Here’s hoping! As Rapunzel I get to do lots of "aaaaaah-ing" and screaming, then get squished by a giant, which, let’s face it, is far more imaginative than anything Puccini ever came up with!

Even though I’m slightly absent from their rehearsals at the moment, I’m currently doing lots of publicity for the wonderful City of Manchester Opera. We have a concert on December 1st which we need to push, and then a singing day on February 2nd, which we need to push even more. I love that group, I just hope we recruit loads of excellent people and grow and grow to such exciting proportions that we can one day stage an opera in its entirity!

And what else?

Oh yes, I’m rehearsing on Thursday with a friend who just happens to be the assistant organist at a local cathedral. It’s a hard life, I know, but someone has to do it…

Superlibrarian won, I’m afraid. But Miss Gorightry is in waiting, perhaps for our first party in our new house.

Once my headache has gone I will tell you all about last night! Now I’m off to a rehearsal for my role as Rapunzel! Hope they don’t have the wig today, I don’t feel that strong…