It’s happening again
I should be on top of the world, but I’m not.
I’m 22. I’m in my final year at university. My boyfriend thinks the world of me. I have a new job. People are ringing me up right, left and centre with offers of singing work or parts. I’m happy with my looks. I have more friends than I’ve ever had. I can speak three languages. I can sing a top C.
I can’t get out of bed.
I feel like shit.
I keep having episodes where all the fear and paranoia and self-hatred builds up inside me, until I just scream and cry and can’t bear to be looked at or touched. I hate myself so much sometimes, I am just so out of control. I don’t know how ill I am. Or why.
I don’t want to talk to the counsellor again. I’m scared of what will happen if I tell her all this and so much more besides. They’re just there to get me to stay at university and do my work.
One of my lecturers suggested I stop singing for six months. A colleague from my course replied that she’s tried saying this but it just went in one ear and out of the other. It just goes to show that nobody really understands. And I resented them saying that, since I have been in every lecture, and haven’t yet missed any deadlines.
I get really scared on average of once a week. Last Saturday I nearly went all mad again but I managed to avert it - unlike the Saturday before. But last night I got paranoid when someone I know sent me a text saying he needs to talk to me about something. I was so scared. And then everything just welled up inside me and I cried and cried and was horrible to Jez. I am an appalling girlfriend. I make his life unbearable sometimes. I wonder why he doesn’t leave me. I think he can do much better. The lovely things he says to me just make me cry and hate myself even more.
I’m so sick of this though, really sick of it. It’s not fair on my boyfriend who has to live with me, my friends who rely on me, and all the people I have obligations to. I can’t do anything. It’s not fair on me either. I have so much to do this year, so much to achieve. So many things could be mine if I didn’t have this complete block.
