Breakthrough
Made a real breakthrough with my counsellor today. She says she’s learnt something today. I think she finds me interesting
We were talking about the negative voice that says things to me like "why can’t you make decisions?", "why are you so lazy?", "you are such a bad person", "you are such a shit friend", "you are so fake", "you are ugly". We were trying to identify the voice. And I realised. It’s not a thing, it’s not a person, my mum or dad, a teacher, an ex-lover or a priest. It’s me when I’m at my best, it’s who I wish I could be all the time. But why should Good Day Me berate Bad Day Me for feeling bad? That will only make BDM feel worse, which gets me into a destructive mental loop. GDM should encourage rather than berate BDM.
Down one side of the page we wrote a list of what BDM says to me. Then we wrote answers on the other side, from GDM’s point of view. (Some of the questions were too hard, I left them til next week.)
"Why are you so lazy?" - "Actually I’m doing a lot at the moment. I need to relax."
"Why can’t you make decisions?" - "Decisions are hard. Sometimes it’s ok not to know."
"You are ugly" - "You have a nice figure, nice skin and a lovely smile."
I said "that’s how I feel when I go out singing. I put on a brilliant dress and get myself ready and think - yes, I can face anything today."
"So when you sing, you feel assertive?"
"I feel brilliant. I wish I could feel like that all the time."
A long pause.
"So what would singing Despina say to some of things that your negative voice says to yourself."
Then I realised. Singing Despina is Good Day Me. Singing Despina is confident and positive and proactive and creative and nice. She can do things. She can do things that, as my friend K says, no-one else in the room can do. She can be proud of herself.
I don’t know whether it’s to do with adrenaline, or confidence, or just that magic magic feeling I can’t describe when I’ve just created a beautiful sound, a work of art, my state of wonder and serenity. But if only this could last.
And why shouldn’t it?
des, brilliant post- and it makes perfect sense. when i’m doing something that ‘no one else in the room can do’ i feel great- and invincible! BDM needs to learn to shut up!
Comment by Eliza — October 31, 2007 @ 11:58 am
Good insight. As a therapy veteran myself, I can vouch for the value of being able to identify those voices and put them in perspective.
It’s worth remembering, though, that those voices don’t just disappear once you recognize them. I think you’ll find that your work is just beginning, and there’s a lot of discipline involved in responding appropriately when the voices sound off again. As my shrink said to me at one point, “It took you a whole lifetime to get to this point. You think you’re going to ditch those habits in a couple of weeks?”
In the end, though, it’s definitely worth it. Stay the course, dear, and all will be well!
Comment by John — October 31, 2007 @ 2:44 pm
Ahhhhh I’m so pleased :) Well, not pleased in the way that you’ve got a bad voice in your head, but pleased that you’ve identified it. Hope it’s getting better
xxx
Comment by mags — October 31, 2007 @ 7:15 pm