More travel
I’ve just found out I’m going to be spending six weeks in Torino this summer, from mid June to the end of July. I’ll be teaching English to a wealthy Italian businessman, living in his house and being paid for the privilege. So I’ll improve my Italian and learn to teach English. It will be wonderful. After the few months I’ve had, I’ll be so glad to run away. I wish I could go tomorrow.
I’ve decided a Man Ban is in order. This is to help me stop attaching so much importance to relationships and having always to be with someone. I’m too tired out and emotionally drained to face starting anything, when I know that I will just get too involved and end up hurting myself, and worse, someone else. I hate being alone and it would be so tempting to get involved with someone over the next few months, so I could put off facing the day I have to confront myself and my future. I can’t love with half of my heart, but I can’t cope with the responsibility that comes with a relationship. I love opening up to another, but I regret it almost immediately. I’m too jealous, insecure and neurotic about men. So I need to find that comfortable emotional place within myself, and learn to respect and care for myself enough so that when I do meet someone, I can give to the relationship and not be so scared of giving too much, so that I can take from the relationship without draining it.
I’m just in such a mess right now. I want it all to stop. I need… I don’t know what I need.
I feel I can’t cope on my own, but I know I have to learn to. People tell me I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, but right now I feel so weak because everything hurts so much.
