More travel
I’ve just found out I’m going to be spending six weeks in Torino this summer, from mid June to the end of July. I’ll be teaching English to a wealthy Italian businessman, living in his house and being paid for the privilege. So I’ll improve my Italian and learn to teach English. It will be wonderful. After the few months I’ve had, I’ll be so glad to run away. I wish I could go tomorrow.
I’ve decided a Man Ban is in order. This is to help me stop attaching so much importance to relationships and having always to be with someone. I’m too tired out and emotionally drained to face starting anything, when I know that I will just get too involved and end up hurting myself, and worse, someone else. I hate being alone and it would be so tempting to get involved with someone over the next few months, so I could put off facing the day I have to confront myself and my future. I can’t love with half of my heart, but I can’t cope with the responsibility that comes with a relationship. I love opening up to another, but I regret it almost immediately. I’m too jealous, insecure and neurotic about men. So I need to find that comfortable emotional place within myself, and learn to respect and care for myself enough so that when I do meet someone, I can give to the relationship and not be so scared of giving too much, so that I can take from the relationship without draining it.
I’m just in such a mess right now. I want it all to stop. I need… I don’t know what I need.
I feel I can’t cope on my own, but I know I have to learn to. People tell me I’m stronger than I give myself credit for, but right now I feel so weak because everything hurts so much.
Firstly wow and congratulations on your amazing summer job I’m so envious!!
And secondly, I just wanted you to know that I admire you for the way you deal with the shite that life brings, you’ve not had the easiest of times lately and you have still managed to write about your feelings eloquently and in such a mature manner. I truly believe you are a strong girl. I understand it’s so hard and painful right now but things are going to get so much better, I just know it.
Thinking of you xx
Comment by princesse ecossaise — March 14, 2008 @ 8:24 pm
It sounds to me like you are being quite hard on yourself, Miss D. Obviously I don’t know what went on in your relationship, or in the month since, but try not to take on too much responsibility for what went wrong. All relationships take 2 to work. Taking some time is sounds like a really sensible thing for anyone to do after a time like this, and I hope you have a just fabulous time in Italy. You’ll keep us posted I trust!
And hopefully, when it comes to getting the balance between giving and taking, it will all fall into place when you find the right person.
Hugs, Jxx
Comment by Jane — March 14, 2008 @ 10:41 pm
Princesse, thanks babe. What you have said means a lot to me. You know just how theraputic it can be to blog about “the shite that life brings”. Things are getting better though xxx
Jane, thanks love. But I think all I’ve written here is true. I think the right person is years away - or maybe they’re already here and I just let them get away? xx
Comment by missdespina — March 17, 2008 @ 11:41 am