The adventures of Miss Despina

 

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

where there is injury, pardon;

where there is doubt, faith;

where there is despair, hope;

where there is darkness, light;

and where there is sadness, joy.

 

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek

to be consoled as to console;

to be understood as to understand;

to be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

Whether or not you are religious, or even a believer, you have to agree that the sentiments expressed in this prayer are beautiful and worthy.

I know someone who embodies this prayer, at the expense of himself sometimes, in that he prefers to heal others rather than looking within. We have to balance looking outwards and helping others, and caring for ourselves. I don’t like looking inwards too much, it’s not healthy and it doesn’t do much for the world. I like looking outwards and helping others, because when I look around me I see others’ needs, and somehow I end up taking responsiblity for them, too much sometimes, because I care.

But it’s the only way. Who doesn’t want to bring hope to those who are despairing, joy to those who are sad, or light to those who are in darkness? It’s not exclusive to people who describe themselves as Christians. I like to think that we are all capable of it. I know what my darkness is and I know that I can’t cope with it sometimes. But I have friends who sometimes find themselves in the same dark place, and I know that I can bring them the light they need in order to cope. And then this helps me to understand, and also to know that I have been an instrument of peace. I seek to console, understand, and love, rather than be consoled, understood, or loved.

But some of the ideas expressed here are really hard for me to get my head around. Sowing love in place of hatred is difficult - I prefer to come away from love or hatred, back to the middle ground of indifference. I can’t cope with hatred and I can’t cope with love right now (but I know that I have been capable of coping with love, and I will be again). Give me indifference and we’ll work from there.

And pardoning injury? Forgiving someone who has hurt me? That’s hard too, I’ve never been good at that. You can’t make yourself forgive can you? Maybe you need to go back to the middle ground of indifference before you can forgive too? I’d welcome help on this point. I’m coping with an immense hurt at the moment, but before I can forgive the other person involved, I have to forgive myself for hurting them back, and also for letting myself get so involved in a situation that I could be so hurt.

And faith in the place of doubt? If you think of it as a religious prayer, then what we’re talking about is a faith in G-d. But I can’t bring faith to people, because my own has only just returned, I don’t yet feel strong enough. What I can do is help others to have faith in themselves, faith in having control of their own destiny, faith in their capabilities, faith that they are in fact brilliant and worthy.

So let me be an instrument of peace, because it’s the only way I can get through the day.