Ghost hunters
I mentioned before that my friend was over here last weekend. He’s one of very few people I know who actually gets me, he is actually more insane than I am, and we have a few demons in common which makes him so easy to talk to. He’s also a rather brilliant historian and a devastatingly well-read intellectual with a love of Wagner, so he really appreciated all the cultural and historical delights of Prague. I felt more relaxed with him than I have in weeks.
You know how it is when you’re with your friends, you start talking about relationships, what you expect from them, what’s good, what’s not so good, and what kind of situations you tend to find yourself in.
I have been in two full-blown, long-term relationships. The first was a disaster. The second appears to be going very well.
Now, suddenly, despite computer wiping, memento destroying and photograph massacring, boyfriend number one appears to be haunting me. Whilst I was talking with my friend about him and the two grand he owes me, I received a text from another friend asking for his number - a friend who hasn’t been in touch for over a month. Apparenly a mutual friend needs her piano tuning and needs his number. I hope when she sees him he will be furnished with the full details of just how amazing I am now he’s out of my life.
Except he’s not out of my life is he? For starters he owes me two grand. Secondly he lives minutes away from me. Thirdly we have too many people in common. Fourthly he ruined almost two years of my life.
I’ve been emailing him all summer to try and find out what’s happening, when I will get my cash back, what he’s going to do with the piano he forced me into buying and then promised to restore - two years ago. He’s not been back in touch.
And now, randomly I facebook searched him, and there his was, smiling quizically up at me in that rather rat-like way he always did, challenging me to message him.
Now, bearing in mind that all other attempts to contact him have failed, it would be more difficult for him to run away from a facebook message than to pretend his mobile number no longer works, or to deacivate his email address - as he has done. And I don’t want to ring him, even though I know his parents’ number and I think he still lives there. I get extremely upset when I’m angry, and I have better people to spend money phoning. I’m scared of what I’ll say. I also don’t want him to think I’ve been looking him up on facebook, because he’ll think I’m turning into psycho ex, or that I’m still bothered about him. (I suppose I am still bothered in that it would be nice not to have to go into more debt than is necessary next year. But I think I would rather cut off my legs and beg from a dirty skateboard in the streets of Manchester than ever go back to him.)
However, if I message him on facebook, he will be able to see my profile including what I’ve been up to recently, what I’m up to now, the banter I’m having with my friends, the name of my boyfriend, photos of us together, etc etc. I want him to know I have my own life and of course I’m hoping he’ll be angry and jealous that I have a boyfriend who makes him look like a stupid little boy. But this boy can’t see past the end of his own nose and can’t understand just what makes people better than himself. I don’t want him to see any of that. My life is nothing to do with him now. I just want to meet him in Kro one day, have a coffee, let him know what a favour he did by getting out of my life, and then go home with a nice big wad of cash - I wouldn’t trust a cheque from him. It sickens me to think how I let this slippery, non-committal, self-indulgent, self-hating little boy take over my life and feed off my insecurities.
So, what do I do?
*****UPDATE: after a careful bit of googling, I realised that I might not be able to email him directly, but I can email one of the companies he freelances for. Ooooooooh the temptation…*****
