Just dropping by
This is just a quick update.
My dissertation and revision are going well.
I’ve started going to Mass.
I’ve had to turn down the chance to do Mimi and Liu for a professional company in a Puccini gala, as it’s the weekend that Don Pasquale goes into production. I’ve had to accept Santuzza in Cav, however, three days before Dido. Rehearsals are going amazingly for all three operas, just wish they weren’t all taking place within three weeks, but such is the life of a singer at times!
This weekend I have a Dido rehearsal followed by lunch with S, about which we are both inordinately excited (I know it doesn’t make sense, but I’m happy to accept this one without questioning the whys and wherefores). And then to watch a friend’s production of HMS Pinafore, including a world premiere of a piece he has written to accompany it, and to go to a party (to which I have been given instructions that I must wear stockings - like I need an excuse)!
I go to Torino in seven weeks, so am spending lots of time in my garden, eating antipasti and reading Italian books in preparation.
I apologise now, because I’m going to start talking about relationship shit. I’ve deleted the last oeuvre mainly because it is maudlin crap that no-one should have to read.
You may remember that I began April with a resolve to make some changes regarding certain aspects of my lifestyle. Well, I think it’s fair to say that that was a complete disaster, and here I am coming out of the end of April, even more tired, confused and fucked-up than before.
I was in a sort of relationship with a boy, M, only it wasn’t what I would call a relationship since he was trying to date someone else at the time we got together, and so didn’t tell his friends or anyone that he and I were spending time together. It’s fair to say that M’s friends for the most part hate me. It’s also fair to say that the feelings are for the most part mutual.
M said he’d give me the space I needed to sort out what I want from life, and that we would talk after my return from Italy and Prague, in August. Then he decided that he’d fallen in love with me and started putting pressure on me to make a big commitment to him - one he knew from the start that I couldn’t make. I was still reeling from breaking up with Jez, and from S being a complete twat, rejecting me to go after something that it turned out he didn’t even want in the end (his words, not mine). I need some time to work out who I am, and what I want, and to find the strength to be alone. I’ve been in long term relationships almost constantly for nearly four years. But I feel like people are trying to take this time away from me, to trap me again.
M and I started dating when I was in a very vulnerable place, and S’s treatment of me had broken my heart and destroyed my self-esteem. Here was M keeping me a secret, telling me verbatim the unkind and downright untrue things he allowed his friends to say about me, without once stepping in to defend me, lest someone should think that he cared for me. Confirming my belief that I am not good enough to be considered for a relationship, that I am just someone to pass the time with until someone really special comes along. I have made mistakes - most of them recently and in the full view of a group of people who have ostracised me. But how dare anyone judge me for this? I am angry with M, and angry with myself for not seeing sooner, for allowing him to objectify me for so long.
I just can’t do this anymore, this treadmill, I have to get off. It is draining me and it is not worth it.
So, I am going.
Turning and walking proudly away from you, my back straight, tears in my eyes that you won’t see, because there will be no last look over my shoulder. I will hide my vulnerability. I will ignore your cries, because when I listen to them, they fall like weights upon me. I will simply keep walking, and grow smaller and smaller in the distance, until you will forget I was ever part of your life.
